Learning the Language of Loss

Sign with the words Grief, Guilt, Shame and Regret in a foggy forest.

When my brother died by suicide, I felt things I didn’t even have words for. They all crashed in at once — heavy, loud, confusing. I couldn’t tell where one feeling ended and another began. If you’re in that place right now, I want you to know: you’re not alone.

Over time, I began to understand that not all these feelings were the same.

• Grief was the deep ache of missing him — love with nowhere to go.

• Guilt was the voice that told me I should have done something differently. “If only I had called… if only I had known.”

• Shame was different. Shame said there was something wrong with me — that somehow, his death made me unworthy of love or belonging.

• Regret wasn’t about fault or worth. It was the quiet, aching wish that the story could have gone another way.

These feelings are part of the landscape of loss, especially after suicide. They are intense, yes—but they are also human. Experiencing them does not mean you are broken or “doing grief wrong.” Your heart and mind are trying to make sense of something that will never fully make sense.

It can help to remember: grief, guilt, shame, and regret all have different messages. Naming which one is speaking in the moment can bring clarity. That clarity can make the emotions feel a little less overwhelming, even if they’re still painful.

When to Seek Extra Support

While these feelings are normal, sometimes they grow too heavy to carry alone. If guilt starts sounding like a constant accusation, if shame convinces you you’re unworthy of life or love, or if regret pulls you so far into the past that the present feels impossible—that’s a sign to reach out.

Talk to a therapist, join a suicide loss support group, or confide in someone you trust. These are not signs of weakness—they are acts of care for yourself.

A Gentle Truth

Suicide loss is one of the most overwhelming things a person can experience. We don’t often encounter moments in life where so many unfamiliar, intense emotions arrive at once. It can feel like drowning. But feelings are not permanent. They will change.

In time, I learned that even the most painful emotions sometimes have something to offer—not because “everything happens for a reason,” but because surviving deep loss can expand our compassion, our ability to sit with others in their pain, and our understanding of what it means to be human.

If you’re feeling grief, guilt, shame, regret—or all of them—try to notice which one is speaking in the moment. Knowing the difference won’t make the pain disappear, but it can bring a little clarity. And sometimes, clarity is the first step toward healing.

You don’t have to go through this alone. There are many people walking this journey... don't be afraid to reach out and ask for help.

Disclaimer: The content shared here reflects my personal thoughts and professional insights, but it is not therapy. If you are struggling or in crisis, please call 911, go to your nearest emergency room, or dial 988 in the U.S. (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline). If outside the U.S., please seek local emergency resources.